Tonight I am sad. Tonight I let the tears fall. I try to keep this blog full of hope; an uplifting view of our journey with very few moments of despair typed and shared out. But tonight, my heart hurts.
Rayleigh is fine. Today was an ordinary day for us, but that doesn't mean that sadness and grief don't show their ugly heads.
This morning I discovered that Rayleigh has a loose tooth! Michael and I were giggling and joking and playing with our girl - telling her that she's growing too quickly and that the tooth fairy will be watching and waiting! This evening I noticed that she actually has TWO loose teeth! When I found that second wiggly little tooth I smiled and told my Bug about it and then left the room and became frozen. Fear hit me like a punch to the gut, I don't know where it came from. Her growing up? Possibly swallowing a tooth? Will they grow back in? I have no idea where it came from. Looking back, it seems illogical and silly, random at best. But my heart was racing and I was wishing that I didn't just learn that my girl has 2 loose teeth. It's silly, I know. All kids lose their baby teeth, why did it freak me out? I'm still not sure. That feeling left as fast as it came, but it stirred up some emotions I had building up. Like how when a spouse leaves one dish out and suddenly you are fighting about everything that's ticked you off for months!
Let me backtrack to shed some light on the little things that piled up on an already overwhelming, unsteady pile of emotions on my heart: Shortly before occupational therapy today Bug had a big seizure. She stayed awake and did pretty well at therapy, but was tired from the seizure and a little out of it so she wasn't able to utilize the full effects of that 45 minute session. No big deal. In fact, I left there proud of how strong my Bug is!
Then she had her second seizure of the day about 2 hours later in the waiting room for her swallow study. {A swallow study is when a person eats different consistencies of foods in front of an x-ray to see how well they swallow and if they aspirate.} Rayleigh did not get to do the swallow study after all the waiting because she fell asleep! The speech therapist was so kind and squeezed us in for another try next week. Prayers that we will be able to successfully do the test are so appreciated!!
So really, she's only had 3 seizures today and enjoyed the day. I just wanted to share this moment, this feeling because every single moment of every single day isn't always smiles. Not for anyone. And this journey is hard, but I get Rayleigh, and that makes it so worth it. We read stories in bed and now my girl is drifting off listening to children's lullaby music. And I'm just a wreck wondering what the future holds and trying to make the best of every day with this beautiful girl.
Thank you for letting me share my heart tonight. I'm feeling better already. Now to close this laptop and snuggle up that angel!
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